Phileas Phlambostier's Advice to Laywaid Gentleman

Philias - Kaino
Pierre Boaistuau - Tone

Dear Sir,

It has been brought to my attention that certain personages of your acquaintance are, to be put most politely, boorish, arrogant, droll and ape-men hybrids released from Dr Dencleefe's underwater laboratory.

Ordinarily, the origin and temperament of the company that you keep would be something that I would consider to be none of my concern, but in this case however, I am disturbed by the likelihood that you may be putting yourself in a dangerous situation, from which you may find yourself unable to extricate yourself from.

You see, in the course of my travels, I have stumbled upon numerous man/animal chimeras, and it is my general experience that while they may be highly amusing, liable to enthrall with bawdy tales and no slouchs at the bend of an elbow, they do have the unfortunate tendency of erupting into sudden and uncontrollable rages of blood lust that are often only satisfied when every limb in the room no longer belongs to it's original owner.

I suggest that you take the following action.
By means of: telephone, telegram, telex, electronic mail, wiregram , pigeon, semaphore, pneumatic tube, facsimile, televisual reproduction, fibre optic transmission, postal service, courier, flim flam sing-a-gram, psychokinesis, autosuggestion, subliminal advertising, public notice, sky-writer, public address system, the Emergency Broadcast System, tapdance, Morse code, dispatched rider, runner, manservant, diplomatic pouch, airmail, seamail or chain letter; contact said brutish freaks of nature and inform them that due to circumstances beyond your control, you will not be able to remain friends with them. If pressed for further details, inform them that your father is in the secret service and if you were to say any more, you'd be putting his life in danger. If your father is no longer in the realm of the living, claim that the ghost of your father is haunting you and you are afraid that you'll soon slip into a state of morose terror and you really wouldn't like anyone to see you like that. If they insist on a more "conventional" explanation, ask them to sit down and take them by the hand, then look deep into their eye/eyes/photoreceptive tongue flange, say "It's not you, it's me" and burst into tears while sweeping dramatically from the room.

I hope this helps.

I am always sir,
Your humble servant

Phileas

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Phileas.

I understand your concern, but I assure you that my unfortunate friends deformities do not reach beyond the surface, and are therefore no reason to be looking into eyes or photoreceptive tongue flanges. Janet's webbed feet were caused by too much FGF signalling in the apical ectodermal ridge when she was in embrionic form. This does not make her a duck-woman, it simply makes her a strong swimmer. Paul's phocomelia was the direct result of his mothers inability to handle morning sickness and her subsequent use of phtalimido-glutarimide, street name - thalidimide (although i'm sure the mother cannot be blamed in this instance). The fact that he was cruelly known as wombat-boy throughout his school years does not make him a chimera, and does not in any way affect the functioning of his mind. I do not appreciate your blatant discrimination against these otherwise perfectly formed beings. Please keep your country town small mindedness to yourself in future. As soon as Paul and Janet are released from the facility for the criminally insane I shall inform them of your unkind comments and suggest some form of retribution, possibly in the form of some sort of gene mutation therapy, that you might begin to understand.

May your children be born with extra toes.

Yours as always,
Pierre Boaistuau.

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My dear Pierre Boaistuau
It is almost obvious that I am indeed too late and you have in some way already been influenced by your "friends" who go by the monikers of Janet and Paul.

I have consulted the Paramcologia Necrominon, that grand grimoire of herbal and synthetic lore and am now passing on vital details that I believe you have overlooked certain key facts in your alchemal studies of FGF signalling levels in pre-protoblastic embryos and the proteomic pathways involved in the sequestering of alpha-N-phtalimido-glutarimide.

As Sergal et al (1956) found in their landmark study (House of Horrors: The Deconstruction and Analsyis of the Medical Experimentation of the Third Reich), many mutagens produce visually non-apparent or non-destinct characteristics. Those aberrations considered to be "Gross Physical" were statistically linked to systemic defects throughout all hormone producing and chemo-regulated organs. It should be apparemt to you now, as it has always been to me, that any pysiological defect is the result of abnormal gene expression and any abnormal gene expression can theoretically lead to inhuman psychoses, uncontrolled growth spurts, knuckle dragging and fits of inane laughter - in short your companions may appear normal, however there is every chance that lurking beneath their innocent web-toed feet and armless torsoes there is a wild and dangerous murdering hell-chimp, waiting to be unleashed.

Always sir,
your humble servant
Phileas.

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Phileas.

If you must quote 50 year old genetic theory at me, at least get your facts straight. Abnormal gene expression can cause defects in the brain, but out of approximately 10,000 cases of thalidimide induced phocomelia there has been NO causal link established with mental defect, although they can of course exist side-by-side. The fact that Paul occasionally exhibits perfectly innocuous nechrophilic behaviours has, I am sure, nothing to do with his physical defects, notwithstanding the possibility of mental scarring caused by the constant discrimination he has had to endure at the hands of those such as you. Wombat boy indeed. I am aware of your believe that blonde haired, blue eyed aryans are the only true race, but if you pay attention to the world around you, you shall find this is not the case. Perhaps I would better call you Josef Mengele you scoundrel. I have spent the last 10 years in my lavatory studying the very genetic mutations you so boldly ruminate upon, so i belive I am the expert in this case. I have not only studied the makeup of Paul and Janet, but they have been kind enough to allow me a constant supply of cadavers to study, which they assure me have been aquired by purely honest means - victims of road accidents I would assume by their mutilated condition. Paul and Janet, although perhaps occasionally violent amongst themselves, have proven to be gentle creatures of extremely mild temperament and fine manner. I can ussure you, in all knowledge and honesty, that the condition of Paul and Janets macroglial cells has not in any way influenced their day to day behaviours, and that their intent is nothing if not honorable.

Pierre Boaistuau,
By unanimous Order of the Convention.

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My Dear Pierrre,

This morning when Roberto (my houseboy) fetched my mail and reading slippers, I could not have guessed that when I was to open your seemingly innocuous letter, I would be confronted with an effrontery of the lowest order. In conjunction with your general and simpleminded disrespect, you dare to mention the Convention, which I myself was pivotal in establishing. The Convention, I should not need to remind you, was convened to prevent the very activity which you so erroneuosly claim, I am conducting.

Now, you being a man of science and letters, I cannot understand how y ou can label my theories of gene expression and physigony noncurrent and flawed. I have endeavoured my whole life (for more information refer to Phlambostier: In his Own Words , An Autobiography) to remain current with my scientific modeling and concepts. Every day twelve terrabytes of worldwide reaserch is distilled through my custom designed Internet Aggregator™, producing 5 to 9 daily synopses of advances made in fields as disparate as Fluid Dynamic Modelling of Chaotic Flow Systems, Nano-molecualr biomorphology, Hi-n field mathematics, Mammalian behaviour in Context of Socialist Agronomics and Sound and Image Bi-Wave Stereo Reproduction, just to name a few.

You lower yourself much as to accuse my motives in assigning a purely genetic aberration as some form of eugenic program. You know very well, good doctor, that my Professor and mentor, Dr Goethe Jeiholderstum, was captured by the German National Socialists and drawn into the Medical Experimentation Unit against his will, by Dr Mengele. When Dr Jeiholderstum refused to participate in the unit's activities, Dr Mengele ordered his death. The means by which, are even now, 60 years later, to horrible to discuss.
I have so far withheld from you a vital piece of information, which I hope, when revealed (as it will be in the next sentence) will remove the blinkers from your vision, and allow you to see me not as your enemy, but embrace me as your dedicated friend and saviour.

You claimed earlier that abnormal gene expression can cause defects in the brain, but out of approximately 10,000 cases of thalidimide induced phocomelia there has been NO causal link established with mental defect. To which I agree, in a clinical sense only. I say clinical, because I know that Paul and Janet were in fact the result of directed mutations, not those caused by the mutations which fall into the category generally assigned as bell-curve typical.
In Paul's case the use of alpha-N-phtalimido-glutarimide was the delivery agent, and in Janet, FGF signalling levels were manipulated with ultralow frequencies delivered by an overhead sattelite. I have proof of both of these statements, which I cannot hand over to you at this time, as the political protection of the programme of which Janet and Paul are the result, is still very evident 25 years after the fact, and the miliatry apparatus of the government is more than willing to carry through with the threats made by their political counterparts.

You have stumbled upon something much larger than any petty conspiracy that you might have imagined was taking place. In telling you this, I have put both of our lives in considerably more danger.
Paul and Janet and their endless supply of "legally obtained" cadavers are merely the tip of an iceberg composed primarily of the shattered good will of the research community, the mutilated remains of the innocent and the baying howls of the mutant assasins.

Oh yes, you are very much in danger.


Yours, sir
always
Phileas

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Phileas.

I am beginning to fear that your suggestion that I cease my relationship with Paul and Janet may have some credence. I awoke this morn to find the remains of some unfortunate creature under the bed covers with me, and although P&J both claim innocence, my mansion was entirely secured and all entries and exits protected by both physical and electronic means. It also seems that they have made strange but subtle alterations to both myself and my surroundings.
A pair of buds have appeared on either side of my neck, and under close examination they would appear to be the rudiments of ears, although obviously ears without function, as the protuberances only go skin deep. My lavatory, which I ordinarily keep securely locked, was left with its door ajar and in great disarray, and the security code which I had assumed known only to myself has somehow been changed, thus disallowing me exit. I have, over the years, collected an array of ex-government anti-surveillance devices, all of which have begun to receive subtle signals. I have hunted high and low but have not been able to find anything out of the ordinary. I thought perhaps the sub-chronic neural disrupter unit was responsible, but the interference continued even after I disconnected its power source, so I am at a loss. Although the twins have disabled my security systems, their technologic prowess does not appear to extend to the physical, and thus I have managed to confine them to the eastern wing, where I hear them at their evil works. Strange howls can be heard late in the eve, and I fear that the cadavers I was assured were acquired by honest means may have not been thus obtained at all, for amongst the odds and ends left in Janet’s quarters I have found, amongst other effects, a collection of tools of the kind most oft used in the dark arts. I have fortunately kept meticulous records during my studies of Paul and Janet, including full sequence records. I have come across various anomalies which I had previously overlooked and it would appear that, although their brains are normal in appearance under the MRI scanner, there exists a variation in the 8p21.3 gene, PPP3CC, encoding the calcineurin gamma subunit, which as I’m certain you are aware is an irrefutable sign of madness.

And so, I must ask your forgiveness and beg your mercy in assisting my escape at all speed. I fear I have let pride get the best of me, as is wont to happen to all from time to time. I have delivered this letter by the expedient of allowing it to float from a chimneystack in the hope that some kind soul would find and post it. If my comments made insult it was only for the sake of scientific debate.

Forgive me Phileas,
Pierre Boaistuau

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Dear Pierre,

I thank the saints for that fortuitous currents that eddied up and out of your chimney delivering your letter to me. I must also thank a Mrs J. Everett Bloom, who upon finding your letter lodged in her thatched privet row, forwarded it to me with haste. I am glad that you have finally come to your senses and I pause to draw strong connections between your newfound mental clarity and the physical isolation of the twins in the East wing. As I supposed earlier, either Paul or Janet (or god forbid, both of them) have developed thought powers which have enabled them to cloud your judgement and would allow them to lull victims to their doom. A recent paper by the noted Russian molecular psychologist, Alexi Smernov, has shown strong correlation between the over expression of the 8p21.3 gene (The very same gene that your enhanced scans detected in P and J) and hypersuggestive sociopathic personality types.

My first request of you is to take all sensitive documents (including any of my correspondence) and place them beneath a large black plastic pot, tied around the circumference with aluminium foil, leaving the top two-thirds bare. Ground the foil strip with a copper rod and mark out 3 concentric circles in chalk around the pot. This will act as P-system null field generator and effectively block psionic interrogation up to levels of 7.5 x 10-3 kiloFreuds (a level of psychic ability I have difficulty in believing the twins have attained.) Secondly, taking every precaution, return to the eastern wing of your manse and ensure that the defensive barriers that you have erected are holding and in no way compromised. The best defence, if possible, is the airtight sealing of the area, at least from your side. It has been reported that other C-types (the class of mutant that I believe Paul and Janet fall into), when cornered will commandeer the bodies of lower phyla orders (rats, mice and birds most typically), and utilise these beast's cunning and smaller size to facilitate their escape and retribution against those responsible for their incapacitation. With you being the responsible party, and their vengeance all encompassing, I beg you to double check your defences.

You mentioned earlier that you have been employing a sub-chronic neural disruptor unit, which is a very important piece of news if all that I have read regarding targeted gene mutation is accurate. As you are well aware, the standard sub-chronic neural disruptor operates over a wide range of frequencies by employing geometric super-heterodyne waveforms and focused diffraction gratings. I have recently utilised southern blotting techniques to analyse chromosome breakages and re-linkage ratios, and while working near a Heisengraf compensator, noticed many anomalies in the 1st pass results. I hypothesised at the time that the Heisengraf apparatus was running on an incorrect voltage and as a consequence was emitting ring modulated waveforms and my southern blot glassware was acting as a low micron diffraction grating. I had, in that experiment effectively created what you have been doing on a wild trial basis by using your neural disruptor. The irony, of which I'm sure you have already elucidated, is that in utilising a sub-chronic neural disruptor unit at high frequencies, you have undoubtedly caused further instability in the genetic makeup of Paul and Janet, in effect making them more powerful than they were before you encountered them.

It could almost be said sir, that you have created the very monsters which are now so desperate to call an end to your days.

I must retire to my conservatory and postulate on what options are available to you.
Yours,
Phileas

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Phileas.

The brief deliverence I recieved apon securing the eastern wing has been shattered by the constant chivvying of a procession of unholy vermin. No matter how swiftly I deploy defences they are torn assunder. Of this I can be sure: There is no more humanity in this forsaken dwelling than that which resides in myself. I have been manically mixing chemicals in my lavoratory in the hope of remotely adjusting the phenotype's of my now most unwelcome guests. I have had some success in creating a mutagen whereby the brain and skull casing of a mouse can be forced to expand to almost twice it's normal dimension, but I fear this would hinder rather than help my cause if Cruveilher's theory of size vs intellectional capacity is correct. I am hoping to induce a disability that would allow my escape and the subsequent return of Paul and Janet to the Institute. I am aware that many would consider blind revenge in order, but my upbringing and subscription to aristotilean ethics unfortunately does not allow it, although in bleaker moments I find myself fighting dark, dark thoughts. Paul and Janet have made contact with the assertion that they are willing to allow me my freedom if I would join them in their plans to subvert humanity, but I have rejected their offer for reasons you are surely emphatic of. Despite your warning, but with much care, I have connected the sub-chronic neural disruptor to the aiphone via the discected brain of a rhesus monkey in the hope that it's rays would confuse my captors and thus allow me time to furthur perfect my mutagens, which I shall then administer through their drinking water. I shall keep you informed.